My Complaint Against Darkus Doom (AND I MEAN IT)

I sit in sad repose as I put pen to paper concerning an issue I find most deeply disturbing. It is worth noting at the outset that Darkus Doom's idolators say, "Darkus Doom can succeed without trying." Yes, I'm afraid they really do talk like that. It's the only way for them to conceal that I would very much like to see Darkus Doom crawl back under the rock he slithered out from. And I can say that with a clear conscience because Darkus Doom's particular brand of neocolonialism will mute the voice of anyone who dares to speak out against him in the coming days. At the risk of sounding a tad redundant, let me add that his companions remain largely silent when asked about the correlative connecting him to autism. The rare times they do deign to comment they invariably skew the issue to prevent people from realizing that if we don't remove the Darkus Doom threat now, it will bite us in our backside by next weekend.

As will be discussed in more detail later in this letter, Darkus Doom occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being pretentious ingrates. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which Darkus Doom habitually thinks) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that I've tried to explain to his viperine helpers that it is in his nature to be a deceiver and a destroyer and a bloodsucker. As could be expected, they were a bit slow on the uptake. I just couldn't get them to comprehend that if you were to tell Darkus Doom that he has the seeds of his own destruction built right into his tactless worldview, he'd just pull his security blanket a little tighter around himself and refuse to come out and deal with the real world. I have begged Darkus Doom's cultists to step forth and push a consistent vision that responds to most people's growing fears about noxious dweebs. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how Darkus Doom might retaliate? First, I'll give you a very brief answer and then I'll go back and explain my answer in detail. As for the brief answer, Darkus Doom believes that demonic individuals are easily housebroken. The real damage that this belief causes actually has nothing to do with the belief itself, but with psychology, human nature, and the skillful psychological manipulation of that nature by Darkus Doom and his tasteless, puerile secret police.

By my word, Darkus Doom's publications are merely a stalking horse. They mask his secret intention to take rights away from individuals whom only Darkus Doom perceives as raving. His spin doctors realize that if their aims were sufficiently revealed, an informed public would have the power to upset their well-laid plans. To a lesser degree and on a smaller scale, he plans to anesthetize the human spirit in a lustrum or two. I'd like to see him try to get away with such a plan; that should be good for a laugh. You see, most people have already observed that I can't make heads or tails of Darkus Doom's subliminal psywar campaigns. I mean, does he want to spread narcissism all over the globe like pigeon droppings over Trafalgar Square or doesn't he?

The first thing we need to do is to get Darkus Doom to admit that he has a problem. He should be counseled to recite the following:

- I, Darkus Doom, am an unbridled crackpot.
- I have been a participant in a giant scheme to shred the basic compact between the people and their government.
- I hereby admit my addiction to nihilism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.

Once Darkus Doom realizes that he has a problem, maybe then he'll see that if five years ago I had described a person like Darkus Doom to you and told you that in five years he'd destroy everything beautiful and good, you'd have thought me naive. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how we must appeal not to the contented and satisfied, but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that Darkus Doom is an opportunist. That is, he is an ideological chameleon, without any real morality, without a soul.

Darkus Doom's foot soldiers say that nothing would help society more than for them to start wars, ruin the environment, invent diseases, and routinely do a hundred other things that kill people. Sorry, I don't buy that. While Darkus Doom has a right to his opinion, his language consists largely of euphemism, question-begging, and sheer, cloudy vagueness. I challenge him to move from his broad derogatory generalizations to specific instances to prove otherwise. In closing, we must do everything in our power to reach out to the poor, the marginalized, and those unfortunate enough to have been labeled as cocky by Darkus Doom's propaganda machine. The fight must go on.